


ad infinitum, ad nauseam

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Everyone is Dead, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-15 13:28:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4608525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first and last note Levi had ever written for him, left on his dusty desk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ad infinitum, ad nauseam

**Author's Note:**

> not happy with how formal i made levi sound, but i couldn't get this out of my head

_A piece of paper, folded neatly into a tiny square, lies inconspicuously upon a desk. Besides several more papers, an inkwell and a box, the surface of the table is bare. The early morning sun bleeds through an open window, revealing dust particles that fill up this empty room._

_Only silence._

_Once unfolded, the small piece of paper is revealed to be a note. Though in the beginning the penmanship is clean, it slowly becomes more and more ragged as the words drag on. Angry lines cross out several phrases and sentences, but the text underneath is not completely illegible._

_This letter is not addressed to anyone._

 

> This is what you wanted. This is what I had promised you (when I shouldn’t have. I do not make promises I can’t keep. But your eyes were burning like you knew this would come true in the end, and your hope became mine. ~~You were my hope and I am so sorry I could not be yours~~ )—
> 
> To witness humanity’s victory. To see the ocean in your stead. To know peace.
> 
> And yet...
> 
> These days are all the same. All equally bitter and meaningless. ~~I've lost the small wonders. I lost them when I lost you.~~ There is no end in sight anymore. We’ve lost so many more soldiers ~~getting younger and younger when all I do is lead them to their deaths~~ and yet the sacrifices—
> 
> It does not feel like sacrifice. This just feels like slaughter.
> 
> This is not the world you fought for.
> 
> And once more, I am nothing but a ~~killer~~ weapon—a weapon without a goal.
> 
> Can we kill them all? Can we stop this?
> 
> Can we become free?
> 
> I’ve been jumping from one fight to another my entire life. All I wanted was to exist, to go beyond the walls that held me back.
> 
> ~~(To love you, to hold you, to see your smile)~~
> 
> But now I see that there is no such thing as freedom. Not in this lifetime.
> 
> We’re back to running around with nothing but pure gut instinct.
> 
> You offered your life to humanity but it was not enough. You offered your life to me but I could not grant your wish. Our wish.
> 
> I am so sorry.
> 
> If I have failed you in life (don’t deny that I have, even though you always still looked at me with such brightness that it made my selfish heart ache) then I have further failed you in death.
> 
> I want to join you. I want to see you again. I miss you, Eren. I miss you so much.
> 
> And I miss everyone.
> 
> But I know you will hate me. How could I return to you when this is not yet the end?
> 
> It’s much too late for regret. I know this. ~~Every night I close my eyes but I cannot sleep. Out of all the faces that haunt me, it is yours that hurts the most. The freshest, the youngest, the most beautiful.~~
> 
> ~~Why did it have to be you? Why couldn’t it have been me?~~
> 
> You deserve so much more. You deserve more than anyone can ever realize.
> 
> I wish I could have given it to you. I wish I could have seen your serene smile as you stepped into the ocean. I wish I could see you grow older, taller, stronger. I wish you would call out my name once more.
> 
> ~~But the truth is that I can’t go on.~~
> 
> I love you. I keep repeating it over and over even though I never used to. I should have told you this more, even if you were aware, even if we thought we didn’t need any words.
> 
> I love you I love you I love you ~~please wait for me~~

 

  _A tiny signature written by shaking hands, almost as if it were an afterthought._

  

> Always yours,
> 
> Levi


End file.
